Al-tine's blog: Picture Post!

Al-tine's blog: Picture Post!: The picture above was taken this weekend at a wedding! The human being wearing this, either had no idea where she was going to or what ...

Al-tine's blog: Halloween!

Al-tine's blog: Halloween!: Yesterday, I wrote about eye-brows. Today I came across a particular somebody who seems to be in denial that it's almost impossible for...

Al-tine's blog: The Braying-man things!

Al-tine's blog: The Braying-man things!: This is a lot different from anything I’ve posted since I started this blog. It’s not basically about what you imagine it to be by the w...

Al-tine's blog: EYE-BROWS THAT SPEAK!

Al-tine's blog: EYE-BROWS THAT SPEAK!: I have noticed that you can have a permanent facial expression for one whole day. Research has shown (my research) that recently, women ...

Al-tine's blog: OFFICIAL AFFAIR!

Al-tine's blog: OFFICIAL AFFAIR!: There's this thing about craving something more when you know you either shouldn't be seen near it, or when you don't want to be...

Picture Post!

The picture above was taken this weekend at a wedding! The human being wearing this, either had no idea where she was going to or what occasion she was attending! She's definitely missing something "downstairs"....most of it "upstairs"!

OFFICIAL AFFAIR!

There's this thing about craving something more when you know you either shouldn't be seen near it, or when you don't want to be known with "it"!

A few here and there has got me helplessly in the know of some affairs, very official affairs though. this particular case is official, but not secret (not to me). How do you explain avoiding something that's happening right under your nose? that's not secret....it's like ignoring a spider crawling over your back.

I get distracted a little about the whispers from these official lovers....okay, I agree; I just cant help but get involved in their gist...inactive thought! I hear everything, cant contribute, cant even laugh sef. this people in question, look so in-luv and down-to-earth with themselves. If you break-up with your boo and stumble on them....for real though, you'll go back begging. They make the whole relationship thing seem like heaven that it isn't....at least not all the time.

When she talks, she looks down sort of and he looks into her eyes from under....I just stare forgetfully sometimes. He listens to everything she has to say....even the silly ones, laughs sexily to her not funny jokes. He watches all the girlie movies on her laptop with her and throws all the interest in his heart into it....I am jealous here! they suit each other in every way....nice colour blend, his physique and her figure, her smile and his charm, his cologne and her fragrance....her hands in his palms (haven't seen that yet). they are so officially and unofficially beautiful together.

I wonder if I'm the only one who sees this....they're not the only ones I've noticed. don't care if I'm wrong, my heart believes they are together and so it has to be...LOL! They're just so beautiful to behold, I cant think otherwise. like I've even prepared a home for them....seen their future....all is beautiful in my head, except the part where she gets fat and is attacked by huge pimples from pregnancy.

official couple number 2..... These ones i'm not so certain. I have seen eye-contacts, complementing smiles....and other stuff! They would just be great together if they actually ARE! They just match...like buba and iro...skirt and blouse....suit and tie....kaftan on palms....tuwo and miyan kuka....anything that goes perfectly well together is them! They are the most official I've ever seen. I'm still not sure but my mind will not settle for less.

Till I'm sure....I'm believing my mind...and when I do, it'll be valentine's day with all the secret pictures of them that I've taken....BIG SMILE!.....Cc Timilehin!

NOSE LIFT!

Yesterday at work, after doing 2-days’ job in less than half a working day; I and Nkem decided to go for lunch….that’s a story for another day. We took the elevator from the second floor to the ground floor, but the 20seconds in the elevator was almost like a life-time of torment. From the moment we stepped into the elevator, the stench that welcomed us was far more than anything I can describe. I have never thought or imagined that a living human could smell so bad. And there are both radio and television commercials on Sure, Nivea and the rest…they don’t seem to get the message!

There were about 4people in the elevator, a lady and 3guys…then came I and Nkem. Whoever it was had his armpits on some funky groove; for a moment there, I thought someone took off their shoes. The thing with such an offensive odor is that it links you to the producer, so to say! This guy was standing right at the corner just as you step into the lift, so he welcomes you with his version of Air wick. Holding our breath was the only impossible option…we could only give eye contacts and breathe with a frown on our faces. It was like we could taste this guy’s stench through our nostrils….eeeeew!!!

And of all days, the elevator seems to be moving really slow today. I’m seriously having second thoughts about still going for lunch. He’s totally taken away my appetite, I’m not sure I can even take water. The moment the doors of the lift slid open, I think my nose jumped out first. The rush of fresh air that passed through my lungs was the best feeling I’ve had since last month…#wink-wink!

I’m not friends with this guy, but I think someone has to tell him about his skunk attributes of his! I could buy him a gift set of deodorants but it would be misunderstood as me giving him the green light. That would be a smelly affair though!

Halloween!

Yesterday, I wrote about eye-brows. Today I came across a particular somebody who seems to be in denial that it's almost impossible for her to look good in any shade of eye-shadow. First, she applies too much, she matches them with whatever combination of colours she has on her clothes and she applies it all the way to where her eye-brows start.

 

I remember the first time I saw her, she had gold eye-shadow...of course it matched her green and gold lace fabric. I told her she looked good and dropped the little advise on how I thought she should reduce the quantity she rubs on her eyelids. She was like "really?! is it that much?" She thanked me  and smiled away. The next time I saw her was about 2weeks later, she looked even worse than when she had gold eye-shadows. This time around, she had shades of orange and yellow....her eyes were lined with black eyeliners, she started with a layer of orange then blended it further with yellow and stretched it all the way to where her eye-brows begin.

 

She has a constant look of surprise anytime I see her, like she's always happy to see everyone she comes across; whether or not she smiles or frowns....she looks surprised and happy all the time.

 

There's this other babe, she's little, not cute; little. Cute is someone who's petite and looks good and adorable. She's non of the above mentioned. She looks too old for her size honestly. Then she dresses really weird. For someone with "yam" legs, I think she wears a lot of short dresses- cute little yam legs of hers!...then she has these goggles that make her appear like she's about to crack a joke....they are damn to large for her head. she's little, with a small head and a little bit large eyes; then she shows up at my desk every 1st week of the month looking like she's here to collect an upfront payment for the month's joke! Then again, she has these fake lashes that are multi-coloured...every eye-shadow she's ever applied leave an impact on her fake lashes.

 

So it's goggles, fake lashes, cute yam legs all on a really small body. I'm not trying to make fun of anyone here, but I feel people should know what fits them and try to stick to it. If you have something that shouldn't be seen by others, keep it on the down-low. There really is nothing attractive about too much eye-shadow that doesn't look good and a pair of contoured legs!

 

The Braying-man things!

This is a lot different from anything I’ve posted since I started this blog. It’s not basically about what you imagine it to be by the words….don’t get too excited!

I stumbled on a very catchy conversation a few days ago, not at work this time around…at a beauty shop close to my house. I’m a lady, but in all my twenty-something years of ladyship, I have never heard as much “private” details as I heard; I’ll leave out the “private part”…LOL. So…this lady with green veins which she got from a few cheap bleaching creams; came into the shop with a scary frown on her face. Being that she’s a customer, the shop owner (Happiness) asks if everything was alright. She hisses and says “men are just a joke”! So I thought to myself “here we go”…I’ll be paying for my hair and the side attraction…gossip.

This lady starts by narrating how she and this guy who I thought had to be her husband till much later….anyway, the guy took her out for a “nice time”, they had lunch, took pictures, went to a bar, visited friends and went to chill somewhere private. They wanted to try something new and be away from any distractions according to her. They got to their hotel room, got refreshed and snuggled up on themselves under the sheets…don’t start getting any ideas. They “prayed” for a long time, it was the deepest and most felt “prayer session” she’s ever been in (leaving details out). In the end of it all…she kind of passed out, she was totally exhausted; she explained how for a moment she had to demand that the lights be turned on because she wasn’t sure if he was man or donkey….these were her words…”I had to struggle for the light switch and turn it on because I had to be sure he was man and not a donkey o!” she wasn’t referring to what you’re thinking about….she meant like an actual donkey…he was sounding like one.

I couldn’t hold in my laughter….I seriously was thinking she had a “full plate” of “dinner”… talk about biting more than she could chew. She sounded like she was scared as hell when she heard him practically braying. Yup! He got to “the” point of “can’t take it no more” and had to let it out…with a bray! I know people find themselves in awkward situations, but in this kinda situation??? Hmmm…a correct African man from this side of the Continent would say “omo, na where bele face o”!

EYE-BROWS THAT SPEAK!

I have noticed that you can have a permanent facial expression for one whole day. Research has shown (my research) that recently, women have discovered the magic they can perform by playing around with their eye-pencils and eye-liners around the fore-head and eye regions.

Personally, I have given-up on trying to “carve” my brows….I’ve decided to grow them out….I tried to actually. The result was crazy….at any time of the day at all I looked like I just woke up! That wasn’t good for my career so I reverted to my tweezers. The good thing about women wahala is that we all seem to suffer similar problems. I was so hopeful about the eye-brow thingy when I walked in on someone trying seriously hard to get hers together. Like she was practically cursing herself….from how she thought she had a flat fore-head to how her nose is just not right for her face and so on and so forth.

Well…..after about 30mins of struggling with her cute lil’ razor blade (she must have had it for 3years or more); she came out looking confused on one side of her face and totally flirty on the other side. She pulled it off….coming out with two facial expressions on one face! One eye-brow wasn’t particularly defined, I think that’s the one she gave up on and the other had a very sharp arc…like she was up for some wild action (whatever you understand by that)..lol! Anyway, this Mrs. isn’t keen on looking good or being fashionable; she can be forgiven.

This brings me to someone on my BBM contact. Her eye-brows could give you the chills. The thing is that, they aren’t overly designed or too pronounced, they are just awkwardly over-drawn. Her eye-brows stretch all the way to her hairline. She draws them with a “red” eye-liner too (an animation of the Red Sea)…..she then applies silver eye shadow to make you see how well you can pull the “Jezebel” look. I mean, she must not have a mirror, friends or family living with her to be able to appear that way in public. She’s the most courageous lady I have seen.

Some ladies either want to scare people away or they just don’t have an idea what they’re doing infront of the mirror. Either that or they were never given the opportunity to have a drawing board as kids. I just seriously don’t get why they use strange colours….red, maroon, black (I was here), purple and pink too! Then some go as far as taking it all off and using an eye-pencil to map out their local gov’t area on their fore-heads.

Men dey try sha….so you’re married to a lady, wake up on your first night together and trying to be romantic; you want to wake her up with a kiss and…. GBAM!!!... you stumble on the truth. She never spent the night with you before marriage not because she’s born-again……yes bro! you just uncovered the truth, she’s hairless up there!!!

Beauty in bondage

I should have known better than to have listened to Sammie by wearing these tortures called shoes. I’ve been cursing five minutes after we came out of the car. If I had been my own boss and sat somewhere in the middle or at the back; or better still worn what I was comfortable in, I wouldn’t be in this pain. But still I decided to take the front seat with her and now I can’t ease my feet of these pains. Listening to Sammie was such a huge mistake.  I should have just done my thing my way. Even the dress is what I’d refer to as “waiting to exhale”, I can barely breathe in it let alone eating. I’ve been slapping my neck because the hair keeps crawling around me and it scares me- feels like spiders! I have this horrible itch that I can’t scratch just because she thinks it’s not lady-like, I have to keep a straight face so I don’t appear to be too excited to be at the party (rolling my eyes). I should wave the hand-fan slowly to show that I’m comfortable....... Woman! I’m sweating like I’ve been running for my dear life.

Don’t get me wrong, like Kimora, I look fabulous. You can’t miss me, my little black bandage dress sits perfectly, and my make-up is soft, nails couldn’t look any better, the shoes- what can I say? They are Jimmy Choos. My purse is a classic Chanel. These are the things you see when you look at me, but deep inside, I’ve just been hit by a train and spiders are crawling up my head- pains everywhere.

I’m looking around at the other ladies and I’m sure they feel my pain- literally that is. A lady walks past in these really high heels, wearing a confident and painless look, her gown is so long I pray she doesn’t trip and fall over. She’s not fooling me because I know I just heard her toes screaming for help and she’s walking like her “knees are stiff”. She’s doing better in handling her pain than I would lying on a couch. I’m scared to blink as “fashion” herself is sitting next to me and she has her eyes on me like glue. I really have to get out of this place, the dress, hair and the shoes as well.....gosh!!! I need a good plan to make my escape ‘coz Sammie is really smart.

 As I get up, I grab my purse and tell her I have to go to the ladies’ with a straight face. I almost had a stroke when she said “I’ve been pressed since like forever”, is she serious?! Has she been sent to kill me today? The walk to the ladies was the longest two minutes walk in my life. I could feel all the eyes burning my back and piercing into my soul. There were two doors in the ladies; one was sealed shut so we were stuck with the other. I sure would give thanks in church tomorrow for this. I asked her to go first; as usual she thought I had no choice than to let her go in first (in her mind, she’s all that). Immediately I heard the locks click, I walked so fast I felt I was gliding. I got to the car, checked for the car keys- goodness; I left them on the table! Arrgh....... I’ll take a cab; send her a text asking her to call me when she’s ready to leave ‘coz nothing will keep me here another second. A lesson learnt; Beauty is never worth the bondage!

 

*THIS PIECE WAS FIRST PUBLISHED IN ELAN MAGAZINE*

I have an undying love for Ankara and Adire! Lace, especially those heavy ones just turn me off, I feel awfully ancient in them. I would never be caught in one of those……at least I thought so until…..Amelia decided to get married…..

11^th May, 2013….one of the best mornings I’ve enjoyed in Abuja since the sun came out in its full shine this year; curled up in my duvet hoping the day would start and end in this bed of mine…the horrible ring tone from my phone jerks me awake, I knew this wasn’t going to be a very pleasant call coz I fell off the bed rushing to stop the phone from killing my old landlady in her sleep. “Hey there, don’t tell me you’re still asleep ke…wake up joor”; Amelia’s voice practically screeching in my ears from the other side of the phone; sounding overly excited as usual. “Your aso-ebi is ready o, come and pick it up this morning coz I’m travelling in the next 45mins”.

 

My life just ended with that call….anyway, Kampala shorts on, tank top on and yes…my life saving mouth-wash (saving other people’s lives of actually). 10mins drive and here I was….thinking that the call was the worst thing that could happen to me today. My aso-ebi, there in the bed, neatly folded in a transparent pack…..LACE!!!

 

I get that she’s getting married to a Yoruba man but, lace??? Like seriously?! This is Abuja, the weather is hot, AC or Moscow….the sun is mean these days. I’m almost cursing in Idoma! I had been talking continuously non-stop for almost 7mins only to turn around and find our Iyawo MIA (missing in action), talking to me from the dining area…she didn’t care. I know she won’t change the aso-ebi just coz I don’t like Lace, but some sort of care wouldn’t be bad right now!

 

Altine! This Lace is going to be the talk of the day on you guys…it’s 53k a piece o! That would get me a nice Ankara, beautiful shoes, and Gele to go…..well that’s not the point here, the thing’s that Lace is just not “IT” for me. She practically pushes me out of her house, and I still dropped her off at the airport! Heading back home I’m thinking of ways to make this Lace thing work for me. Ding-dong…..there!!!

We’re five pretty ladies (batting lashes) as her friends in “Lace”….all friends, I have their numbers, and we’re close too. That’s just all I needed. It’s Saturday, girls like movies, cup-cakes and ice-creams…..I’m on this game right here. 5.00pm….few comments on who wore what and if it fits, the usual girl gossip at the right rendezvous – Silverbird Galleria! Tired and anxious, anticipating ruining Amelia’s Lace plan n chip in some Ankara spirit. So, I just carelessly mention how I saw a nice mix of Ankara and Lace (I never saw it) and how it’s the in-thing. There we go…..all ears on deck….”I’m so making my Lace have the same effect…” and my dear Susan said “that’s what I’ve instructed my tailor to do o!”….which isn’t true coz Amelia told me only I and Anna have collected our aso-ebi.

 

Anyway, so I succeeded in my coup against the Amelia-Lace syndrome….she doesn’t know this yet…..come 16^th June, 2013.

mr. muscles!

.................before I decided to start this blog, I tried my hands on a few things.........

Captain Swallow

I have like the best colleagues ever! We have this ritual we perform every morning….we all come with our different foods, drinks, snacks and all we plan to have for breakfast and display them on our oga’s table. Yup! We have a buffet every morning at my office, my Unit actually. It’s the best part of coming to work in the morning. You get to dip your fingers into foil papers, coolers, plates, saucers and trays. It’s always a food galore!

Well, everything has its good and bad sides. Not like anything horrible happened, it’s more like survival of the fittest kind of thing. I got to learn that while people take time to chew food, others allow their stomach or throats to do the chewing, some people DON’T chew food…they just throw it down their oesophagus. Believe it or not, I saw it with my own eyes. Every time we all gather around to eat, somehow the food just seems to vanish faster than normal. It’s not an exaggeration; imagine for example, a picnic sized food warmer filled with rice, a bowl of pap, 150cl of orange juice, fried yams rolled in eggs, fruit salad, bread, sandwich and a few other chop-chop things; all finishing in about 8mins! We are seven in my Unit that enjoy this breakfast buffet, something isn’t right somewhere.

Before it seems as if my doing-doing is too much, I’m not the only person who noticed. So one day, I decided to watch out for who the food villain was…lol! The person has earned the title. Okay…. we gathered around as usual and started dipping and fetching and all that, I decided to sacrifice my usual large portion of everything and took just a few portions…of everything (I love food just like you). Sitting back and joining in in the gists and laughs, then BINGO! The food villain was spotted….this guy swallows food like a python. His throat practically expands and you can see the food making its way down to his stomach. I was amazed. This was like a huge discovery, I tell you! And here I was thinking all the best captions of the wonders of the world are only seen on the Discovery Channel….this guy should be added to the wonders of the world…for real o!

In my state of awe, I called his name out and burst out in laughter…you know that moment when you start laughing so hard and other people join you without even knowing why you were laughing. That was the moment! I wish I could say his name here but I’m being given the “death stare” right now.

I hope that with this little piece of mine, I will not be swallowed-up by my colleague in the food…the field, sorry!

Those Heels of Hers!

To wear, or not to wear? Wondering what this is about right!? Heels…..almost every lady has them, whether or not they walk properly in them, some don’t even wear them at all; but we all own at least a pair of heels.

Two days ago, I attended a wedding, beautiful people; nice décor, amazing light works and the bride’s maids were totally off the hook. They were in fuchsia-pink dresses and nude shoes, nicely styled hair, flawless make-up (except for a few ridiculously carved eye-brows), and they were brown-skinned…..yes! I love the African brown skin. This description is what I saw as I stepped into the reception hall, it was time for pictures and everything was on stand-still….and it looked perfect. Maybe that’s the reason I thought the ladies in pink looked awesome…lol; they did though, but not just all of them….most of them actually didn’t make it.

Everyone is seated in the hall waiting for that “grand” entrance that’s the new tradition at wedding receptions these days, where the groom’s men and bride’s maids dance-in dramatically then the bride and groom do their “thang”. So all the other paired up groom’s men and bride’s maids had done their dance and taken positions….then along came the last pair dancing in; I just didn’t get if it was her chosen dance-steps, her legs or the music….for a moment there I was confused. The dance was over and they all went about trying to get souvenirs and cakes around to guests, moving from one table to another…..there! I spotted her (the dancer), this babe was practically walking like she had stiff knees. The heels she had on were either not hers, too tight or maybe she’s not just used to heels. They just weren’t working for her, as if it wasn’t enough that she had to walk with stiff knees, it happened! One of her heels took a bow….she fell, unbelievably to the floor….flat!

It could have happened to anyone, I felt bad for her, I judged myself for the thoughts I had about her…stiff knees and all. It could have been me, afterall I was probably the only person who had mocking thoughts of her shoes and how she walked…..and I remembered “KARMA”, she could just get to me right there. So while everyone was concentrating on the fallen fuchsia, I quickly checked my shoes and applied some emergency glue I carry around….you can’t be too careful with these shoes you know!

Looking good is good business, smelling good is cool business! I'm a sucker for good fragrances, either cheap or expensive; as long as I can afford them. I do the whole mixing.... add a few bottles of nice perfumes and come up with my special fragrance. back in school, it was like a hubby when I skip lectures. so I keep myself busy in my little apartment mixing the perfumes, give them as gifts to friends and have "the killer"!

 

Okay....bottom line is this; everyone has to smell good, but recently I wonder what exactly some people use as deodorants or perfumes. Ladies...help yourself here! This is important. Sometime last week, I realised a certain person I see almost everyday for a couple of hours started having a funky smell. It got so bad at every passing day. I started getting used to holding my breath longer than usual because the moment I see her (yes, a she) coming, I hold my breath till she's gone for a few seconds. But then when I exhale, it seems like the smell sat on my nose waiting for me to breathe-in the horrible smell.

 

I wonder if non of her friends ever say anything about this "thing" of hers, it's not her, it's whatever it is she sprays on herself. It's really that bad! I could tell her myself but I mean...I could get hurt, pinched here and there maybe....not like I'm scared though, I'll be helping a sister out! So......I make up my mind in the morning on my way out that I'll tell her nicely. I get to work (yes! she's a colleague) and go straight to her office before I chicken out, I get into her office and I knew she was there right from the door.....I could smell her. I felt like I died! That smell sha.....anyway, so I walk straight to her desk and find this bottle right beside her bag, she just sprayed it, rubbing her hands and getting up to hug me...is she for real!? Well, I chested the hug, after all it was a good opportunity to tell her without getting her upset. So I went like..."what perfume do you use?" and with a huge smile she says..."it's an Arabian oil....my own special mix", with all excitement! I had to tell her straight....."it doesn't smell nice o"......and I waited for it, then she starts to laugh like she would choke and said, "kai, you're so funny"!

 

So.....that's it.....I laughed along and out of the office, looked back at the door with a straight face and walked away!