PANIC

Last night I went to bed really early after being caught in the rain and catching cold too. I have something I believe the oyibo ma would have a name for…everything is a disorder or some sort of sickness these days. I wake up in the middle of the night and find it really hard to get back to sleep, and that I’m sure isn’t insomnia.

Very well into the night….maybe about 2am or 3am, I heard voices screaming, or were they wailing?! Seemed like a woman and a couple of kids because I heard the voices clearly enough to make out their ages. Hearing them wail, I just said to myself “oh dear, they must have lost someone”. I imagined that the person was probably ill for a few days or maybe the mother woke the kids up to pee and found one of them lifeless…..these thoughts just kept me awake and worried for these people. I decided to sit-up for a while and say a prayer for them only to hear DIE! DIE!!DIE!!!DIE……continuously. I began to think they were attacked by thieves and were lynching them or something, but on a second thought; if they were, people would have come out and why was it only the kids that were screaming out DIE?!

When I listened closely, I could hear the woman shouting seriously, words I couldn’t really make out, but she was seriously screaming. Then I remembered an experience a friend of mine shared the other day on Facebook. He was asleep at about 1am and was woken by the voice of a woman on the street at that hour…..she was screaming out for help and suddenly started shouting “GHOST O”!...the next thing, she went into a prayer session while dogs in the neighborhood howled. With this sort of thought in my head, I started praying o….I was alone in my house with a four year old boy….who would rescue the other if anything funny happened? At that point, my “damsel in distress” started screaming FIRE!!! FIIIIIIIIIRRRRREEEEE…..HOLY GHOST…….then the kids would reply…FIREEEEE!

If I didn’t have the fear of being in the dark, I probably would have gone over to their house. Goodness! I was almost in shock of all the wailing, screaming and chanting coming from them.

Whatever it is they were praying for I’m sure they would have it answered…except if this prayer warrior is the same woman I over-heard the other day harassing a certain young man and cursing him on how his manhood would wither…..lol!

DAME GEISHA!

At the office yesterday, I was having a lazy conversation with a colleague about make-up and how a lot of ladies get it wrong. The main topic was about Ibo women and how they kinda have the weirdest make-up, especially when it comes to powder (foundation) and shaving off their eye-brows. My colleague, whom we all refer to as Madam Mabel didn’t agree with me…she is Igala from Kogi State but she just thought I was dissing Ibo women. Why would I? My mother is a full blooded Ibo woman to the core….so this isn’t about hating on the Ibo sense of make-up…lol!

There was this time when my mum had one of their Ibo sisters meeting…The Diamond Sisters as they are called. She had all the gele and George and the high shoulder Ibo blouse that makes them look like weight lifters (actually looks good on them)….only Ibo women can pull that look flawlessly. Anyway…so she was all dressed-up and was sitting in front of her dressing mirror with all her “make-over” things. My mother practically used 7mins applying her foundation, concentrating on the cheeks (dunno why), she spends the next 3mins trying to even-out the foundation on her face in preparation for the grand finale….loose powder application. By the time mummy dearest was through…..hmmmm! I just said “Ibo women and their powder sha”. That’s a statement I always make whenever I come across Ibo women who just don’t joke with their powder.

I have a lot of Ibo aunts…my mum’s blood sisters, cousins and the other hundred sisters she has. If you know an Ibo man or woman very well, every Ibo person is their brother or sister! Back to the matter….I make my point clear to Madam Mabel and we laughed and got back to work. After I was through with my tatafo at her office, I return to my desk but got distracted by Fareeda. She is so far the best female photographer I know personally. She did a big job the past weekend and wanted me to see them. They were all very lovely….beautiful people made even awesomely perfectly beautiful by her professional touch. I thought so until I spotted Pato….Mummy Naija!!!

I then realized Fareeda hadn’t actually edited the pictures, or so I thought. “Babe, you have to seriously edit this particular picture o”! You would think she dipped her head into a bowl of raw egg yolk. And I was so sure Ibo women had a special thing for powder….this babe just killed it…..Ibo women have got nothing on Pato mehn! 

BIGGER THAN VICKY'S!

I remember when I was in the university, I had a lot of male buddies....it was safer to roll with the dudes than the ladies. they talk too much especially about stuff that purely ain't their business! Anyway, back then I got the privilege to understand a bit about guys. How they think and all that.

One evening, we took a walk to the SUG gate, just close to the female hostel; we got drinks and sat on the fence and scoped all the babes that passed. Goodness!!! Guys are intelligently silly though. A few really good looking girls either strolled past us, some came out of cars, some hopped bikes....others with scruffy hair-dos and shabby clothes too were there, but they still looked good.

In my opinion, these girls were physically almost flawless but my guys had everything wrong to say about them. And I wondered what exactly was their spec?!  When I asked what it was they were looking out for....they just said "these girls have secrets bigger that Vicky's"...lmao! That was just the best explanation for what they finally revealed to me. In their opinion, what you see isn't what it is. Guys go around sha...they just go around!

For every girl we saw, that I thought were almost flawless, they pointed out the secrets that were bigger than Vicky's. Some of them were living witnesses to the secrets while the others had enough to back-up their  facts....pictures....videos....recorded phone conversations....stuff like that! judging from the photos and videos I saw, most of the babes were like mannequins, they had to stuff a few places to make the clothes fit....had to tattoo their eye-brows (those who could afford it), some were like sunny side-up.....the brighter skin is what you see (coke and Fanta tinz!)

There's just a lot going on underneath that should be left alone. The more you see, the less you understand! Girls are at the top of their games when it comes to illusions...they change tactics every time they get discovered. You never know what's coming after the camel-hump!

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT!!!

There’s this certain somebody I know who has all the X-rated gossips and gists in the world. The most interesting part of it all is that they are all true stories….stories from her experiences.

X-rated gossips are so catchy you can’t help but listen or eaves–drop. I recall one time we had our usual gathering and of course, with her the gists can’t be decent. She talked about a particular time when she got caught in the act. She had a late night hang-out with a younger dude somewhere in town and he was dropping her off at home when she had an idea…lol! So they decided to have a ride in the car, just outside her apartment.

The going was good…a bit rough according to her, but worth the ride till they got interrupted. Just as she was “getting there”, she practically saw the light. The light is something we all believe people who are about to die see…only those who would make heaven see the light just before they die. Now, knowing she wouldn’t make heaven, at least not in that position….lmao, something had to be wrong. So she stared a bit harder at the light, it was moving up and down…she got a bit confused about the movement as she was moving in the same rhythm as the light. So she tapped bros on the back, talk about giving him a pat on the back for a good job….so far I guess!

She wasn’t seeing “the light”….our own naija men-in-black were on their night patrol and found the car in a suspicious rhythm, they decided to check it out and….THERE!!!! My certain somebody was already surrendering with both hands and legs before her rights were read out to her!

We’ve all had our days….not this exact way though. Ever been caught stealing from a pot of stew? Or taking a big bite from someone’s meat, or cake….sweet maybe!?

WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS

What she means when…..

she says she likes it bulky….that could mean your pocket or what lies beneath!

she says she likes the fights….it’s not how it starts, it’s where it ends..*wink

she says she’s cold….she either wants to cuddle or want you to heat her up

she admires your fingers…she probably wants to pull a Beverly Osu…lol

she stays too long in the ladies…she’s not looing, she wants a time-out with you

she asks about your babe a lot…she’s hoping to hear that you broke-up with her

she rubs your car seat passionately…she wants you to test-run her in the car

she goes to bed earlier than normal…she wants you to just sleep too

she talks about babies and pregnant women…you should get a jar of condoms!!!

 

A MAN IN THE EYES OF A WOMAN! - 1

There is a boy before there is a man; every male has to pass through this stage before he can be called a mature man! It’s the same way we crawl before we walk and then run eventually. But, there is no way you can be both at the same time, you either are a boy or a man….no such thing as a boy O’man….lol.

Recent arguments have revealed that a lot of men are just boys being displayed in mature images. The real person is enclosed in what we see on the outside, getting closer and interacting with this category of “men” is the only way we can get to know who they truly are.

I read an article in one of our local magazines about a man who complained that he was being disrespected by his wife and all sort of things….he seemed to be terribly bitter about his wife’s attitude towards him. He gave a lot of instances; there was a time when he had his friends over and he called his wife out to serve them some drinks from the fridge which he bought the night before. His wife then peeped through the curtain and asked him to please give her a minute, when he went to her, she told him she gave two of the seven drinks he got to her friends and asked if she could mix them up with some other brands in the fridge. Our man here said he got too upset he couldn’t bottle-up his anger. He started talking about how he is the man and everything must pass through him before a decision is taken…..in the end, he made his wife go out (on a Sunday night) to replace the drinks she served her friends and made her apologize to his friends for it!

If you ask me, this isn’t the way a mature married man should behave or handle such a situation...no man should act this way. It’s a different thing if he gave an instruction that nobody should touch those particular drinks he bought. A man is a man by the way he speaks, acts and carries himself. You don’t have to make so much noise about being the man…unknown to you; you begin to sound like a fish seller in the market. Your wife offends you and you make so much noise people begin to wonder what part the woman plays in the house….you have unconsciously taken her part (nagging)!

I believe there are many ways to curb a woman’s excesses and put her in her place without giving a speech about how you are the man and all of that crap.

I visited a friend about 3weeks after her wedding in Kaduna, while we were discussing about how marriage is so far, she opened up to me that she got her husband angry and by what she told me; I know about seven men who would talk about it every anniversary of the offence. She said her husband called her into the privacy of their bedroom, asked her to sit on his laps and told her that he was very upset by what she did….told her he expected more from her than that and never ever again should it repeat itself. Told her not to apologize because he just talked about it, but to do what is right. He asked her to get up, said he was going to have a shower and would like to sleep afterwards. When I asked her if he spoke to her the next morning, she smiled and said they still spoke for about 10mins after his shower! No screaming, no nagging…..nothing; just a mature way of making it clear in your home that “I am the man”!

Some men would read this and say he’s weak or it depends on the woman. How you run your home gives birth to how your home appears both to you and those around you. You don’t have to demand respect, your attitude, the way you talk, how you handle situations should attract respect. A real man knows these things. A woman would only speak to you rudely if you don’t respect her….that does not in any way mean that she shouldn’t play her roles as a wife should to her husband. She should love, respect, be submissive amongst other things. But just as a man has got EGO so has a woman got PRIDE, but every good woman knows to bring her pride down before her man….in the end, the man is a woman’s pride. No woman wants her pride to be the reason why she dreads going home after work or fret at the sound of his car pulling over at the garage.

A man should not because he is the man treat his wife in a way he would not be treated, he is a leader not a dictator…he is to lead by examples (good examples) not to be feared. God alone is to be feared, and even the Holy Bible says that the man should love his wife even as Christ loves the Church. Marriage makes a man and a woman one- none should suffer, none should thrive to be happy, it should come naturally.

INSTALL A SOFTWARE TO LAST THE HOLIDAY! *WINK WINK*

Haven't been here in a long time....doesn't seem like I missed anything sha, except the reason why I'd been too lazy to put anything up.

This morning on my way to work, I was listening to a few songs from the nineties and somehow they all seemed to have extra meanings apart from the real message the songs were trying to communicate to listeners. The past few days I have noticed how I read meaning to things I hear. I may be having a conversation with someone and all I hear is my translation of what the voice in this little head of mine is telling me.

I'm going to use Neyo's song "Sexy Love"  as a perfect example. The part where he sang about his volcano erupting and he showering her with his love.....if nobody else has a different translation to that, then I'll check in to see a psychologist. Or not, I'll take it that I'm awesomely smart....I read in between the lines....LOL!
A little while ago, I was on the phone and the person on the other end of the line had to get back to work. I tried to extend the conversation and found myself questioning about what was so important that is getting in the way of our conversation. Then the reply I got was this..."I have some installing to do" (emphasis are on the word INSTALLING). So I went further to ask what the installation was about, and the response was this...."I have to install a software", and I asked again...."on what or who is the software being installed?"......the line went dead, and it wasn't the network; I think I went over-board with the last question.

That conversation was to give y'all an insight on what the voice in my head says to me atimes. It's just a little insane but it's nothing I or anyone else can't handle....abi?! The conversation is still going on in my head. The "software" has to be "installed" since tomorrow is a public holiday and we have to keep the "system going"....you never know when next you can have a "refill"......Iskanci!!!