ALL LET LOOSE!

She looks at herself....and wonders with everything she sees in the mirror and asks herself "why isn't it him?". He has the best of everything not material. He keeps her company and loves her with every energy...buys her gifts with his very last penny...makes love to her with the last strength in his loins....why not him?

She closes from work, rushes to his office, throws down the files, paper-works, everything....and they rush at each other. At everytime she's free, she goes to him, even when he's not close, her phone connects her to him. They chat all day long, talk over the phone for hours.....this is what every girl wants, every girl's dream is this man she now owns...or does she? 

 

Back home again....she tries to live a normal life, just as it was before he came into her life. She goes to the bathroom....runs the shower....gets naked...but at the feel of cool breeze on her body, she recalls her previous moments with him. She already swore not to ever be with him again...but her body craves his touch, her lips quiver at the thought of his kiss, her very special places desire his manliness.....and there, by the garage...his car revving...he's heading out. She rushes over to the driver's seat, leans the chair backward....and there they go again.

 

This isn't love...or is it? How do you love someone so much....share your bed with him, your body, your happy and sad moments, your every God given day with....all these years of spoken and expressed love with him....and it doesn't feel like he is the one.

 

Why does it have to be the one you steal out to be with.....??? All these questions and the judgement of her conscience tells her she's doing everything wrong. But he isn't the one! Her lover is single, wealthy, romantic...he gives  her the best series of love-making she had never known....until him.

 

She goes home every night now, to the man she has known all her life...loved all her life...until now. The man she gave her innocence to...her virginity to....but she can't even love him anymore! Why not him? Why her lover and why not her lover......Why not her husband?

THE DIARY OF A CHEATING WIFE

THE BEST WEDDING ENTRANCE EVER!!!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0P4p41KhKo&feature=em-subs_digest

YOUR MAN'S B*TCH!

I just read a post about what men actually want. Is it the food from the kitchen or the one from the bedroom? A lot of ladies believe that what you prepare for your man is what brings him running home early from work and drags him away from the Saturday night hang-out with the boys. But in agreement with the post I read, ladies don't ask what makes their men cheat.

Basically, every relationship has its selling point- the thing that keeps it going, the attractions and what keeps the green light beaming.  Most ladies shy away from discussing the intimate areas of their relationship....even to themselves, in their minds...lol. But truth be told, if you can't admit to yourself that your game in the bedroom isn't tight enough to keep your man tied to you, then you have a lot to learn. Sex is one of the most important, if not the most important aspect of a good relationship. If you just lean back all the time and let your man play the chauffeur.....he's bound to get tired and bored. He would remember a few exes who dared him....who had him DAZED after the "grinding session".....and trust me, you would be seen as a f*ucking boring old hag....excuse my French!

With pregnancy and kids and the hubby to cater to, you almost don't own your self anymore...but babe, you own your husband, your man, your boyfriend, your best-friend. Give him a little surprise every now and then....keep your body on-point, what would you do to get a man of your dreams? Ask yourself.....then apply the tactics. A dog will stray away from home only when home isn't home anymore....and when he needs the company of a bitch!

If you have to be a bad girl to keep a good man....babe, go all out! If your panties are as big as your pillow-cases, you need to "string" them down. If you have very nutty instincts, nothing stops you from expressing yourself.....in the bedroom of course and with that dude who alone you have to impress. There's a book titled "Why Men Marry/Love Bitches"....grab your copy and be the bitch in the house, most especially in the bedroom.....so your dawg don't gatta roam!

RUMOUR HAS IT!

Whenever i'm the first to give someone "secret" gist, I always start with "rumour has it"....have to play safe some times. A certain person who I see every week-day has been constituting a strange and questionable attitude that gets scary. When I say scary....like when he begins to be in the "strange" ways, you don't want to risk sitting close to him. He could bite! He hasn't been that violent or anything but....safety first!

Yesterday afternoon, in the middle of a group discussion, this certain somebody just walks in looking funny....first we guessed he was drunk coz of the look on his face...he had about two to three colours on his face, his eyes were reddish-brown, almost like he got caught in the middle of a transformation. A normal person would have said something to us, probably get pissed or something, but he just smiled....a very wide grin. Like this dude smiles so wide you would believe he has an elastic face....and the smile reveals no teeth...not a toothless smile, he just has the ability to smile that wide without letting his teeth show.

After much dragging and guessing, he spoke! And believe me, I have never heard a man or woman or even a child with the voice that came out of his vocal chords. I swear this guy has to be possessed. There's just no reason why he should have sounded like that, plus he wasn't even faking it. He spoke that way for about 15mins.....he didn't even think it was strange. The more we talked about him and his strange ways....strange voice, the wider his grin! Anyway...i'm not a rumour monger but already rumour has it that he is possessed....some people say he needs to be mentally reviewed and evaluated.

In other news.....I hear that some people really love office romance! As secret as they make it, people just know. How do you live with that? The people in question are mixed o....not mixed breed, relationship-status-mixed kinda mix...lol! One's married, the other is probably searching or not....the search probably yielded the discovery of a married lover. A sweet steal....is still a steal....awoof dey run bele! Another man's wife....another woman's husband....when yawa gas.......issokay!!!

PANIC

Last night I went to bed really early after being caught in the rain and catching cold too. I have something I believe the oyibo ma would have a name for…everything is a disorder or some sort of sickness these days. I wake up in the middle of the night and find it really hard to get back to sleep, and that I’m sure isn’t insomnia.

Very well into the night….maybe about 2am or 3am, I heard voices screaming, or were they wailing?! Seemed like a woman and a couple of kids because I heard the voices clearly enough to make out their ages. Hearing them wail, I just said to myself “oh dear, they must have lost someone”. I imagined that the person was probably ill for a few days or maybe the mother woke the kids up to pee and found one of them lifeless…..these thoughts just kept me awake and worried for these people. I decided to sit-up for a while and say a prayer for them only to hear DIE! DIE!!DIE!!!DIE……continuously. I began to think they were attacked by thieves and were lynching them or something, but on a second thought; if they were, people would have come out and why was it only the kids that were screaming out DIE?!

When I listened closely, I could hear the woman shouting seriously, words I couldn’t really make out, but she was seriously screaming. Then I remembered an experience a friend of mine shared the other day on Facebook. He was asleep at about 1am and was woken by the voice of a woman on the street at that hour…..she was screaming out for help and suddenly started shouting “GHOST O”!...the next thing, she went into a prayer session while dogs in the neighborhood howled. With this sort of thought in my head, I started praying o….I was alone in my house with a four year old boy….who would rescue the other if anything funny happened? At that point, my “damsel in distress” started screaming FIRE!!! FIIIIIIIIIRRRRREEEEE…..HOLY GHOST…….then the kids would reply…FIREEEEE!

If I didn’t have the fear of being in the dark, I probably would have gone over to their house. Goodness! I was almost in shock of all the wailing, screaming and chanting coming from them.

Whatever it is they were praying for I’m sure they would have it answered…except if this prayer warrior is the same woman I over-heard the other day harassing a certain young man and cursing him on how his manhood would wither…..lol!

DAME GEISHA!

At the office yesterday, I was having a lazy conversation with a colleague about make-up and how a lot of ladies get it wrong. The main topic was about Ibo women and how they kinda have the weirdest make-up, especially when it comes to powder (foundation) and shaving off their eye-brows. My colleague, whom we all refer to as Madam Mabel didn’t agree with me…she is Igala from Kogi State but she just thought I was dissing Ibo women. Why would I? My mother is a full blooded Ibo woman to the core….so this isn’t about hating on the Ibo sense of make-up…lol!

There was this time when my mum had one of their Ibo sisters meeting…The Diamond Sisters as they are called. She had all the gele and George and the high shoulder Ibo blouse that makes them look like weight lifters (actually looks good on them)….only Ibo women can pull that look flawlessly. Anyway…so she was all dressed-up and was sitting in front of her dressing mirror with all her “make-over” things. My mother practically used 7mins applying her foundation, concentrating on the cheeks (dunno why), she spends the next 3mins trying to even-out the foundation on her face in preparation for the grand finale….loose powder application. By the time mummy dearest was through…..hmmmm! I just said “Ibo women and their powder sha”. That’s a statement I always make whenever I come across Ibo women who just don’t joke with their powder.

I have a lot of Ibo aunts…my mum’s blood sisters, cousins and the other hundred sisters she has. If you know an Ibo man or woman very well, every Ibo person is their brother or sister! Back to the matter….I make my point clear to Madam Mabel and we laughed and got back to work. After I was through with my tatafo at her office, I return to my desk but got distracted by Fareeda. She is so far the best female photographer I know personally. She did a big job the past weekend and wanted me to see them. They were all very lovely….beautiful people made even awesomely perfectly beautiful by her professional touch. I thought so until I spotted Pato….Mummy Naija!!!

I then realized Fareeda hadn’t actually edited the pictures, or so I thought. “Babe, you have to seriously edit this particular picture o”! You would think she dipped her head into a bowl of raw egg yolk. And I was so sure Ibo women had a special thing for powder….this babe just killed it…..Ibo women have got nothing on Pato mehn! 

BIGGER THAN VICKY'S!

I remember when I was in the university, I had a lot of male buddies....it was safer to roll with the dudes than the ladies. they talk too much especially about stuff that purely ain't their business! Anyway, back then I got the privilege to understand a bit about guys. How they think and all that.

One evening, we took a walk to the SUG gate, just close to the female hostel; we got drinks and sat on the fence and scoped all the babes that passed. Goodness!!! Guys are intelligently silly though. A few really good looking girls either strolled past us, some came out of cars, some hopped bikes....others with scruffy hair-dos and shabby clothes too were there, but they still looked good.

In my opinion, these girls were physically almost flawless but my guys had everything wrong to say about them. And I wondered what exactly was their spec?!  When I asked what it was they were looking out for....they just said "these girls have secrets bigger that Vicky's"...lmao! That was just the best explanation for what they finally revealed to me. In their opinion, what you see isn't what it is. Guys go around sha...they just go around!

For every girl we saw, that I thought were almost flawless, they pointed out the secrets that were bigger than Vicky's. Some of them were living witnesses to the secrets while the others had enough to back-up their  facts....pictures....videos....recorded phone conversations....stuff like that! judging from the photos and videos I saw, most of the babes were like mannequins, they had to stuff a few places to make the clothes fit....had to tattoo their eye-brows (those who could afford it), some were like sunny side-up.....the brighter skin is what you see (coke and Fanta tinz!)

There's just a lot going on underneath that should be left alone. The more you see, the less you understand! Girls are at the top of their games when it comes to illusions...they change tactics every time they get discovered. You never know what's coming after the camel-hump!

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT!!!

There’s this certain somebody I know who has all the X-rated gossips and gists in the world. The most interesting part of it all is that they are all true stories….stories from her experiences.

X-rated gossips are so catchy you can’t help but listen or eaves–drop. I recall one time we had our usual gathering and of course, with her the gists can’t be decent. She talked about a particular time when she got caught in the act. She had a late night hang-out with a younger dude somewhere in town and he was dropping her off at home when she had an idea…lol! So they decided to have a ride in the car, just outside her apartment.

The going was good…a bit rough according to her, but worth the ride till they got interrupted. Just as she was “getting there”, she practically saw the light. The light is something we all believe people who are about to die see…only those who would make heaven see the light just before they die. Now, knowing she wouldn’t make heaven, at least not in that position….lmao, something had to be wrong. So she stared a bit harder at the light, it was moving up and down…she got a bit confused about the movement as she was moving in the same rhythm as the light. So she tapped bros on the back, talk about giving him a pat on the back for a good job….so far I guess!

She wasn’t seeing “the light”….our own naija men-in-black were on their night patrol and found the car in a suspicious rhythm, they decided to check it out and….THERE!!!! My certain somebody was already surrendering with both hands and legs before her rights were read out to her!

We’ve all had our days….not this exact way though. Ever been caught stealing from a pot of stew? Or taking a big bite from someone’s meat, or cake….sweet maybe!?

WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS

What she means when…..

she says she likes it bulky….that could mean your pocket or what lies beneath!

she says she likes the fights….it’s not how it starts, it’s where it ends..*wink

she says she’s cold….she either wants to cuddle or want you to heat her up

she admires your fingers…she probably wants to pull a Beverly Osu…lol

she stays too long in the ladies…she’s not looing, she wants a time-out with you

she asks about your babe a lot…she’s hoping to hear that you broke-up with her

she rubs your car seat passionately…she wants you to test-run her in the car

she goes to bed earlier than normal…she wants you to just sleep too

she talks about babies and pregnant women…you should get a jar of condoms!!!

 

A MAN IN THE EYES OF A WOMAN! - 1

There is a boy before there is a man; every male has to pass through this stage before he can be called a mature man! It’s the same way we crawl before we walk and then run eventually. But, there is no way you can be both at the same time, you either are a boy or a man….no such thing as a boy O’man….lol.

Recent arguments have revealed that a lot of men are just boys being displayed in mature images. The real person is enclosed in what we see on the outside, getting closer and interacting with this category of “men” is the only way we can get to know who they truly are.

I read an article in one of our local magazines about a man who complained that he was being disrespected by his wife and all sort of things….he seemed to be terribly bitter about his wife’s attitude towards him. He gave a lot of instances; there was a time when he had his friends over and he called his wife out to serve them some drinks from the fridge which he bought the night before. His wife then peeped through the curtain and asked him to please give her a minute, when he went to her, she told him she gave two of the seven drinks he got to her friends and asked if she could mix them up with some other brands in the fridge. Our man here said he got too upset he couldn’t bottle-up his anger. He started talking about how he is the man and everything must pass through him before a decision is taken…..in the end, he made his wife go out (on a Sunday night) to replace the drinks she served her friends and made her apologize to his friends for it!

If you ask me, this isn’t the way a mature married man should behave or handle such a situation...no man should act this way. It’s a different thing if he gave an instruction that nobody should touch those particular drinks he bought. A man is a man by the way he speaks, acts and carries himself. You don’t have to make so much noise about being the man…unknown to you; you begin to sound like a fish seller in the market. Your wife offends you and you make so much noise people begin to wonder what part the woman plays in the house….you have unconsciously taken her part (nagging)!

I believe there are many ways to curb a woman’s excesses and put her in her place without giving a speech about how you are the man and all of that crap.

I visited a friend about 3weeks after her wedding in Kaduna, while we were discussing about how marriage is so far, she opened up to me that she got her husband angry and by what she told me; I know about seven men who would talk about it every anniversary of the offence. She said her husband called her into the privacy of their bedroom, asked her to sit on his laps and told her that he was very upset by what she did….told her he expected more from her than that and never ever again should it repeat itself. Told her not to apologize because he just talked about it, but to do what is right. He asked her to get up, said he was going to have a shower and would like to sleep afterwards. When I asked her if he spoke to her the next morning, she smiled and said they still spoke for about 10mins after his shower! No screaming, no nagging…..nothing; just a mature way of making it clear in your home that “I am the man”!

Some men would read this and say he’s weak or it depends on the woman. How you run your home gives birth to how your home appears both to you and those around you. You don’t have to demand respect, your attitude, the way you talk, how you handle situations should attract respect. A real man knows these things. A woman would only speak to you rudely if you don’t respect her….that does not in any way mean that she shouldn’t play her roles as a wife should to her husband. She should love, respect, be submissive amongst other things. But just as a man has got EGO so has a woman got PRIDE, but every good woman knows to bring her pride down before her man….in the end, the man is a woman’s pride. No woman wants her pride to be the reason why she dreads going home after work or fret at the sound of his car pulling over at the garage.

A man should not because he is the man treat his wife in a way he would not be treated, he is a leader not a dictator…he is to lead by examples (good examples) not to be feared. God alone is to be feared, and even the Holy Bible says that the man should love his wife even as Christ loves the Church. Marriage makes a man and a woman one- none should suffer, none should thrive to be happy, it should come naturally.

INSTALL A SOFTWARE TO LAST THE HOLIDAY! *WINK WINK*

Haven't been here in a long time....doesn't seem like I missed anything sha, except the reason why I'd been too lazy to put anything up.

This morning on my way to work, I was listening to a few songs from the nineties and somehow they all seemed to have extra meanings apart from the real message the songs were trying to communicate to listeners. The past few days I have noticed how I read meaning to things I hear. I may be having a conversation with someone and all I hear is my translation of what the voice in this little head of mine is telling me.

I'm going to use Neyo's song "Sexy Love"  as a perfect example. The part where he sang about his volcano erupting and he showering her with his love.....if nobody else has a different translation to that, then I'll check in to see a psychologist. Or not, I'll take it that I'm awesomely smart....I read in between the lines....LOL!
A little while ago, I was on the phone and the person on the other end of the line had to get back to work. I tried to extend the conversation and found myself questioning about what was so important that is getting in the way of our conversation. Then the reply I got was this..."I have some installing to do" (emphasis are on the word INSTALLING). So I went further to ask what the installation was about, and the response was this...."I have to install a software", and I asked again...."on what or who is the software being installed?"......the line went dead, and it wasn't the network; I think I went over-board with the last question.

That conversation was to give y'all an insight on what the voice in my head says to me atimes. It's just a little insane but it's nothing I or anyone else can't handle....abi?! The conversation is still going on in my head. The "software" has to be "installed" since tomorrow is a public holiday and we have to keep the "system going"....you never know when next you can have a "refill"......Iskanci!!!

IT ISN'T YOU BABY....IT REALLY IS ME!

I have this friend who willingly blames all the problems of her relationship(s) on herself. With this you probably are thinking "wife material tinz" abi?! Calm down first though. Recently, I was in an argument with a couple of friends....guys and babes and the guys were ranting about how ladies of these days have decided to take to wearing the pants and grabbing their (guys) balls! Having the say and deciding what goes down and who goes where and what time stuff have to happen!

The ladies on the other hand said this new thingy of "ours" is simply because guys are taking their submission too much for granted. with different examples from deciding their friends to answering their calls and some embarrassing incidents. toh.....what did I say? my fiancé would probably read this so....."I didn't say JACK"!!! LMFAO

Back to my friend.....everytime she had to break-up with her boo(s), I'd ask her how she intends to go about it or how it went after everything. One time I asked her, she hilariously said " I make it look like i'm going into a rehab"......and when I asked how or why....she said "I tell them it's not you baby, it really is me......" When she talks about it, there's no remorse....she (we) finds it funny...it really is funny...."it's not you baby, it really is me"!!!

This line has been used by guys....it's practically and almost naturally a guy thing! But my friend here has used it in every single break-up. It's her most favourite break-up line....the killah sef! Like she says it, turns around (picture her in a black leather jacket and dark aviators with a pair of crazy jeans and Timberland boots), walks away in slow motion, wears a wry smile and after she gets to the corner, instead of an explosion........the guy holds his face in his hands and cries.....Okay, too much movie tinz abi!? but about two of them have cried sha.

So.....after giving this gist to my friends, all the guys screamed...."YOU SEE"!!! So thanks to me, they believe without any doubt that girls aren't only wearing the pants, they're also EVIL!!! But are we???....Girls are sweet joor.....*wink-wink

TALK ABOUT CAPTAIN HOOK ON A FACE

Al-tine's blog: Picture Post!

Al-tine's blog: Picture Post!: The picture above was taken this weekend at a wedding! The human being wearing this, either had no idea where she was going to or what ...

Al-tine's blog: Halloween!

Al-tine's blog: Halloween!: Yesterday, I wrote about eye-brows. Today I came across a particular somebody who seems to be in denial that it's almost impossible for...

Al-tine's blog: The Braying-man things!

Al-tine's blog: The Braying-man things!: This is a lot different from anything I’ve posted since I started this blog. It’s not basically about what you imagine it to be by the w...

Al-tine's blog: EYE-BROWS THAT SPEAK!

Al-tine's blog: EYE-BROWS THAT SPEAK!: I have noticed that you can have a permanent facial expression for one whole day. Research has shown (my research) that recently, women ...

Al-tine's blog: OFFICIAL AFFAIR!

Al-tine's blog: OFFICIAL AFFAIR!: There's this thing about craving something more when you know you either shouldn't be seen near it, or when you don't want to be...

Picture Post!

The picture above was taken this weekend at a wedding! The human being wearing this, either had no idea where she was going to or what occasion she was attending! She's definitely missing something "downstairs"....most of it "upstairs"!

OFFICIAL AFFAIR!

There's this thing about craving something more when you know you either shouldn't be seen near it, or when you don't want to be known with "it"!

A few here and there has got me helplessly in the know of some affairs, very official affairs though. this particular case is official, but not secret (not to me). How do you explain avoiding something that's happening right under your nose? that's not secret....it's like ignoring a spider crawling over your back.

I get distracted a little about the whispers from these official lovers....okay, I agree; I just cant help but get involved in their gist...inactive thought! I hear everything, cant contribute, cant even laugh sef. this people in question, look so in-luv and down-to-earth with themselves. If you break-up with your boo and stumble on them....for real though, you'll go back begging. They make the whole relationship thing seem like heaven that it isn't....at least not all the time.

When she talks, she looks down sort of and he looks into her eyes from under....I just stare forgetfully sometimes. He listens to everything she has to say....even the silly ones, laughs sexily to her not funny jokes. He watches all the girlie movies on her laptop with her and throws all the interest in his heart into it....I am jealous here! they suit each other in every way....nice colour blend, his physique and her figure, her smile and his charm, his cologne and her fragrance....her hands in his palms (haven't seen that yet). they are so officially and unofficially beautiful together.

I wonder if I'm the only one who sees this....they're not the only ones I've noticed. don't care if I'm wrong, my heart believes they are together and so it has to be...LOL! They're just so beautiful to behold, I cant think otherwise. like I've even prepared a home for them....seen their future....all is beautiful in my head, except the part where she gets fat and is attacked by huge pimples from pregnancy.

official couple number 2..... These ones i'm not so certain. I have seen eye-contacts, complementing smiles....and other stuff! They would just be great together if they actually ARE! They just match...like buba and iro...skirt and blouse....suit and tie....kaftan on palms....tuwo and miyan kuka....anything that goes perfectly well together is them! They are the most official I've ever seen. I'm still not sure but my mind will not settle for less.

Till I'm sure....I'm believing my mind...and when I do, it'll be valentine's day with all the secret pictures of them that I've taken....BIG SMILE!.....Cc Timilehin!

NOSE LIFT!

Yesterday at work, after doing 2-days’ job in less than half a working day; I and Nkem decided to go for lunch….that’s a story for another day. We took the elevator from the second floor to the ground floor, but the 20seconds in the elevator was almost like a life-time of torment. From the moment we stepped into the elevator, the stench that welcomed us was far more than anything I can describe. I have never thought or imagined that a living human could smell so bad. And there are both radio and television commercials on Sure, Nivea and the rest…they don’t seem to get the message!

There were about 4people in the elevator, a lady and 3guys…then came I and Nkem. Whoever it was had his armpits on some funky groove; for a moment there, I thought someone took off their shoes. The thing with such an offensive odor is that it links you to the producer, so to say! This guy was standing right at the corner just as you step into the lift, so he welcomes you with his version of Air wick. Holding our breath was the only impossible option…we could only give eye contacts and breathe with a frown on our faces. It was like we could taste this guy’s stench through our nostrils….eeeeew!!!

And of all days, the elevator seems to be moving really slow today. I’m seriously having second thoughts about still going for lunch. He’s totally taken away my appetite, I’m not sure I can even take water. The moment the doors of the lift slid open, I think my nose jumped out first. The rush of fresh air that passed through my lungs was the best feeling I’ve had since last month…#wink-wink!

I’m not friends with this guy, but I think someone has to tell him about his skunk attributes of his! I could buy him a gift set of deodorants but it would be misunderstood as me giving him the green light. That would be a smelly affair though!

Halloween!

Yesterday, I wrote about eye-brows. Today I came across a particular somebody who seems to be in denial that it's almost impossible for her to look good in any shade of eye-shadow. First, she applies too much, she matches them with whatever combination of colours she has on her clothes and she applies it all the way to where her eye-brows start.

 

I remember the first time I saw her, she had gold eye-shadow...of course it matched her green and gold lace fabric. I told her she looked good and dropped the little advise on how I thought she should reduce the quantity she rubs on her eyelids. She was like "really?! is it that much?" She thanked me  and smiled away. The next time I saw her was about 2weeks later, she looked even worse than when she had gold eye-shadows. This time around, she had shades of orange and yellow....her eyes were lined with black eyeliners, she started with a layer of orange then blended it further with yellow and stretched it all the way to where her eye-brows begin.

 

She has a constant look of surprise anytime I see her, like she's always happy to see everyone she comes across; whether or not she smiles or frowns....she looks surprised and happy all the time.

 

There's this other babe, she's little, not cute; little. Cute is someone who's petite and looks good and adorable. She's non of the above mentioned. She looks too old for her size honestly. Then she dresses really weird. For someone with "yam" legs, I think she wears a lot of short dresses- cute little yam legs of hers!...then she has these goggles that make her appear like she's about to crack a joke....they are damn to large for her head. she's little, with a small head and a little bit large eyes; then she shows up at my desk every 1st week of the month looking like she's here to collect an upfront payment for the month's joke! Then again, she has these fake lashes that are multi-coloured...every eye-shadow she's ever applied leave an impact on her fake lashes.

 

So it's goggles, fake lashes, cute yam legs all on a really small body. I'm not trying to make fun of anyone here, but I feel people should know what fits them and try to stick to it. If you have something that shouldn't be seen by others, keep it on the down-low. There really is nothing attractive about too much eye-shadow that doesn't look good and a pair of contoured legs!

 

The Braying-man things!

This is a lot different from anything I’ve posted since I started this blog. It’s not basically about what you imagine it to be by the words….don’t get too excited!

I stumbled on a very catchy conversation a few days ago, not at work this time around…at a beauty shop close to my house. I’m a lady, but in all my twenty-something years of ladyship, I have never heard as much “private” details as I heard; I’ll leave out the “private part”…LOL. So…this lady with green veins which she got from a few cheap bleaching creams; came into the shop with a scary frown on her face. Being that she’s a customer, the shop owner (Happiness) asks if everything was alright. She hisses and says “men are just a joke”! So I thought to myself “here we go”…I’ll be paying for my hair and the side attraction…gossip.

This lady starts by narrating how she and this guy who I thought had to be her husband till much later….anyway, the guy took her out for a “nice time”, they had lunch, took pictures, went to a bar, visited friends and went to chill somewhere private. They wanted to try something new and be away from any distractions according to her. They got to their hotel room, got refreshed and snuggled up on themselves under the sheets…don’t start getting any ideas. They “prayed” for a long time, it was the deepest and most felt “prayer session” she’s ever been in (leaving details out). In the end of it all…she kind of passed out, she was totally exhausted; she explained how for a moment she had to demand that the lights be turned on because she wasn’t sure if he was man or donkey….these were her words…”I had to struggle for the light switch and turn it on because I had to be sure he was man and not a donkey o!” she wasn’t referring to what you’re thinking about….she meant like an actual donkey…he was sounding like one.

I couldn’t hold in my laughter….I seriously was thinking she had a “full plate” of “dinner”… talk about biting more than she could chew. She sounded like she was scared as hell when she heard him practically braying. Yup! He got to “the” point of “can’t take it no more” and had to let it out…with a bray! I know people find themselves in awkward situations, but in this kinda situation??? Hmmm…a correct African man from this side of the Continent would say “omo, na where bele face o”!

EYE-BROWS THAT SPEAK!

I have noticed that you can have a permanent facial expression for one whole day. Research has shown (my research) that recently, women have discovered the magic they can perform by playing around with their eye-pencils and eye-liners around the fore-head and eye regions.

Personally, I have given-up on trying to “carve” my brows….I’ve decided to grow them out….I tried to actually. The result was crazy….at any time of the day at all I looked like I just woke up! That wasn’t good for my career so I reverted to my tweezers. The good thing about women wahala is that we all seem to suffer similar problems. I was so hopeful about the eye-brow thingy when I walked in on someone trying seriously hard to get hers together. Like she was practically cursing herself….from how she thought she had a flat fore-head to how her nose is just not right for her face and so on and so forth.

Well…..after about 30mins of struggling with her cute lil’ razor blade (she must have had it for 3years or more); she came out looking confused on one side of her face and totally flirty on the other side. She pulled it off….coming out with two facial expressions on one face! One eye-brow wasn’t particularly defined, I think that’s the one she gave up on and the other had a very sharp arc…like she was up for some wild action (whatever you understand by that)..lol! Anyway, this Mrs. isn’t keen on looking good or being fashionable; she can be forgiven.

This brings me to someone on my BBM contact. Her eye-brows could give you the chills. The thing is that, they aren’t overly designed or too pronounced, they are just awkwardly over-drawn. Her eye-brows stretch all the way to her hairline. She draws them with a “red” eye-liner too (an animation of the Red Sea)…..she then applies silver eye shadow to make you see how well you can pull the “Jezebel” look. I mean, she must not have a mirror, friends or family living with her to be able to appear that way in public. She’s the most courageous lady I have seen.

Some ladies either want to scare people away or they just don’t have an idea what they’re doing infront of the mirror. Either that or they were never given the opportunity to have a drawing board as kids. I just seriously don’t get why they use strange colours….red, maroon, black (I was here), purple and pink too! Then some go as far as taking it all off and using an eye-pencil to map out their local gov’t area on their fore-heads.

Men dey try sha….so you’re married to a lady, wake up on your first night together and trying to be romantic; you want to wake her up with a kiss and…. GBAM!!!... you stumble on the truth. She never spent the night with you before marriage not because she’s born-again……yes bro! you just uncovered the truth, she’s hairless up there!!!

Beauty in bondage

I should have known better than to have listened to Sammie by wearing these tortures called shoes. I’ve been cursing five minutes after we came out of the car. If I had been my own boss and sat somewhere in the middle or at the back; or better still worn what I was comfortable in, I wouldn’t be in this pain. But still I decided to take the front seat with her and now I can’t ease my feet of these pains. Listening to Sammie was such a huge mistake.  I should have just done my thing my way. Even the dress is what I’d refer to as “waiting to exhale”, I can barely breathe in it let alone eating. I’ve been slapping my neck because the hair keeps crawling around me and it scares me- feels like spiders! I have this horrible itch that I can’t scratch just because she thinks it’s not lady-like, I have to keep a straight face so I don’t appear to be too excited to be at the party (rolling my eyes). I should wave the hand-fan slowly to show that I’m comfortable....... Woman! I’m sweating like I’ve been running for my dear life.

Don’t get me wrong, like Kimora, I look fabulous. You can’t miss me, my little black bandage dress sits perfectly, and my make-up is soft, nails couldn’t look any better, the shoes- what can I say? They are Jimmy Choos. My purse is a classic Chanel. These are the things you see when you look at me, but deep inside, I’ve just been hit by a train and spiders are crawling up my head- pains everywhere.

I’m looking around at the other ladies and I’m sure they feel my pain- literally that is. A lady walks past in these really high heels, wearing a confident and painless look, her gown is so long I pray she doesn’t trip and fall over. She’s not fooling me because I know I just heard her toes screaming for help and she’s walking like her “knees are stiff”. She’s doing better in handling her pain than I would lying on a couch. I’m scared to blink as “fashion” herself is sitting next to me and she has her eyes on me like glue. I really have to get out of this place, the dress, hair and the shoes as well.....gosh!!! I need a good plan to make my escape ‘coz Sammie is really smart.

 As I get up, I grab my purse and tell her I have to go to the ladies’ with a straight face. I almost had a stroke when she said “I’ve been pressed since like forever”, is she serious?! Has she been sent to kill me today? The walk to the ladies was the longest two minutes walk in my life. I could feel all the eyes burning my back and piercing into my soul. There were two doors in the ladies; one was sealed shut so we were stuck with the other. I sure would give thanks in church tomorrow for this. I asked her to go first; as usual she thought I had no choice than to let her go in first (in her mind, she’s all that). Immediately I heard the locks click, I walked so fast I felt I was gliding. I got to the car, checked for the car keys- goodness; I left them on the table! Arrgh....... I’ll take a cab; send her a text asking her to call me when she’s ready to leave ‘coz nothing will keep me here another second. A lesson learnt; Beauty is never worth the bondage!

 

*THIS PIECE WAS FIRST PUBLISHED IN ELAN MAGAZINE*

I have an undying love for Ankara and Adire! Lace, especially those heavy ones just turn me off, I feel awfully ancient in them. I would never be caught in one of those……at least I thought so until…..Amelia decided to get married…..

11^th May, 2013….one of the best mornings I’ve enjoyed in Abuja since the sun came out in its full shine this year; curled up in my duvet hoping the day would start and end in this bed of mine…the horrible ring tone from my phone jerks me awake, I knew this wasn’t going to be a very pleasant call coz I fell off the bed rushing to stop the phone from killing my old landlady in her sleep. “Hey there, don’t tell me you’re still asleep ke…wake up joor”; Amelia’s voice practically screeching in my ears from the other side of the phone; sounding overly excited as usual. “Your aso-ebi is ready o, come and pick it up this morning coz I’m travelling in the next 45mins”.

 

My life just ended with that call….anyway, Kampala shorts on, tank top on and yes…my life saving mouth-wash (saving other people’s lives of actually). 10mins drive and here I was….thinking that the call was the worst thing that could happen to me today. My aso-ebi, there in the bed, neatly folded in a transparent pack…..LACE!!!

 

I get that she’s getting married to a Yoruba man but, lace??? Like seriously?! This is Abuja, the weather is hot, AC or Moscow….the sun is mean these days. I’m almost cursing in Idoma! I had been talking continuously non-stop for almost 7mins only to turn around and find our Iyawo MIA (missing in action), talking to me from the dining area…she didn’t care. I know she won’t change the aso-ebi just coz I don’t like Lace, but some sort of care wouldn’t be bad right now!

 

Altine! This Lace is going to be the talk of the day on you guys…it’s 53k a piece o! That would get me a nice Ankara, beautiful shoes, and Gele to go…..well that’s not the point here, the thing’s that Lace is just not “IT” for me. She practically pushes me out of her house, and I still dropped her off at the airport! Heading back home I’m thinking of ways to make this Lace thing work for me. Ding-dong…..there!!!

We’re five pretty ladies (batting lashes) as her friends in “Lace”….all friends, I have their numbers, and we’re close too. That’s just all I needed. It’s Saturday, girls like movies, cup-cakes and ice-creams…..I’m on this game right here. 5.00pm….few comments on who wore what and if it fits, the usual girl gossip at the right rendezvous – Silverbird Galleria! Tired and anxious, anticipating ruining Amelia’s Lace plan n chip in some Ankara spirit. So, I just carelessly mention how I saw a nice mix of Ankara and Lace (I never saw it) and how it’s the in-thing. There we go…..all ears on deck….”I’m so making my Lace have the same effect…” and my dear Susan said “that’s what I’ve instructed my tailor to do o!”….which isn’t true coz Amelia told me only I and Anna have collected our aso-ebi.

 

Anyway, so I succeeded in my coup against the Amelia-Lace syndrome….she doesn’t know this yet…..come 16^th June, 2013.

mr. muscles!

.................before I decided to start this blog, I tried my hands on a few things.........

Captain Swallow

I have like the best colleagues ever! We have this ritual we perform every morning….we all come with our different foods, drinks, snacks and all we plan to have for breakfast and display them on our oga’s table. Yup! We have a buffet every morning at my office, my Unit actually. It’s the best part of coming to work in the morning. You get to dip your fingers into foil papers, coolers, plates, saucers and trays. It’s always a food galore!

Well, everything has its good and bad sides. Not like anything horrible happened, it’s more like survival of the fittest kind of thing. I got to learn that while people take time to chew food, others allow their stomach or throats to do the chewing, some people DON’T chew food…they just throw it down their oesophagus. Believe it or not, I saw it with my own eyes. Every time we all gather around to eat, somehow the food just seems to vanish faster than normal. It’s not an exaggeration; imagine for example, a picnic sized food warmer filled with rice, a bowl of pap, 150cl of orange juice, fried yams rolled in eggs, fruit salad, bread, sandwich and a few other chop-chop things; all finishing in about 8mins! We are seven in my Unit that enjoy this breakfast buffet, something isn’t right somewhere.

Before it seems as if my doing-doing is too much, I’m not the only person who noticed. So one day, I decided to watch out for who the food villain was…lol! The person has earned the title. Okay…. we gathered around as usual and started dipping and fetching and all that, I decided to sacrifice my usual large portion of everything and took just a few portions…of everything (I love food just like you). Sitting back and joining in in the gists and laughs, then BINGO! The food villain was spotted….this guy swallows food like a python. His throat practically expands and you can see the food making its way down to his stomach. I was amazed. This was like a huge discovery, I tell you! And here I was thinking all the best captions of the wonders of the world are only seen on the Discovery Channel….this guy should be added to the wonders of the world…for real o!

In my state of awe, I called his name out and burst out in laughter…you know that moment when you start laughing so hard and other people join you without even knowing why you were laughing. That was the moment! I wish I could say his name here but I’m being given the “death stare” right now.

I hope that with this little piece of mine, I will not be swallowed-up by my colleague in the food…the field, sorry!

Those Heels of Hers!

To wear, or not to wear? Wondering what this is about right!? Heels…..almost every lady has them, whether or not they walk properly in them, some don’t even wear them at all; but we all own at least a pair of heels.

Two days ago, I attended a wedding, beautiful people; nice décor, amazing light works and the bride’s maids were totally off the hook. They were in fuchsia-pink dresses and nude shoes, nicely styled hair, flawless make-up (except for a few ridiculously carved eye-brows), and they were brown-skinned…..yes! I love the African brown skin. This description is what I saw as I stepped into the reception hall, it was time for pictures and everything was on stand-still….and it looked perfect. Maybe that’s the reason I thought the ladies in pink looked awesome…lol; they did though, but not just all of them….most of them actually didn’t make it.

Everyone is seated in the hall waiting for that “grand” entrance that’s the new tradition at wedding receptions these days, where the groom’s men and bride’s maids dance-in dramatically then the bride and groom do their “thang”. So all the other paired up groom’s men and bride’s maids had done their dance and taken positions….then along came the last pair dancing in; I just didn’t get if it was her chosen dance-steps, her legs or the music….for a moment there I was confused. The dance was over and they all went about trying to get souvenirs and cakes around to guests, moving from one table to another…..there! I spotted her (the dancer), this babe was practically walking like she had stiff knees. The heels she had on were either not hers, too tight or maybe she’s not just used to heels. They just weren’t working for her, as if it wasn’t enough that she had to walk with stiff knees, it happened! One of her heels took a bow….she fell, unbelievably to the floor….flat!

It could have happened to anyone, I felt bad for her, I judged myself for the thoughts I had about her…stiff knees and all. It could have been me, afterall I was probably the only person who had mocking thoughts of her shoes and how she walked…..and I remembered “KARMA”, she could just get to me right there. So while everyone was concentrating on the fallen fuchsia, I quickly checked my shoes and applied some emergency glue I carry around….you can’t be too careful with these shoes you know!

Looking good is good business, smelling good is cool business! I'm a sucker for good fragrances, either cheap or expensive; as long as I can afford them. I do the whole mixing.... add a few bottles of nice perfumes and come up with my special fragrance. back in school, it was like a hubby when I skip lectures. so I keep myself busy in my little apartment mixing the perfumes, give them as gifts to friends and have "the killer"!

 

Okay....bottom line is this; everyone has to smell good, but recently I wonder what exactly some people use as deodorants or perfumes. Ladies...help yourself here! This is important. Sometime last week, I realised a certain person I see almost everyday for a couple of hours started having a funky smell. It got so bad at every passing day. I started getting used to holding my breath longer than usual because the moment I see her (yes, a she) coming, I hold my breath till she's gone for a few seconds. But then when I exhale, it seems like the smell sat on my nose waiting for me to breathe-in the horrible smell.

 

I wonder if non of her friends ever say anything about this "thing" of hers, it's not her, it's whatever it is she sprays on herself. It's really that bad! I could tell her myself but I mean...I could get hurt, pinched here and there maybe....not like I'm scared though, I'll be helping a sister out! So......I make up my mind in the morning on my way out that I'll tell her nicely. I get to work (yes! she's a colleague) and go straight to her office before I chicken out, I get into her office and I knew she was there right from the door.....I could smell her. I felt like I died! That smell sha.....anyway, so I walk straight to her desk and find this bottle right beside her bag, she just sprayed it, rubbing her hands and getting up to hug me...is she for real!? Well, I chested the hug, after all it was a good opportunity to tell her without getting her upset. So I went like..."what perfume do you use?" and with a huge smile she says..."it's an Arabian oil....my own special mix", with all excitement! I had to tell her straight....."it doesn't smell nice o"......and I waited for it, then she starts to laugh like she would choke and said, "kai, you're so funny"!

 

So.....that's it.....I laughed along and out of the office, looked back at the door with a straight face and walked away!