THE BEST WEDDING ENTRANCE EVER!!!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0P4p41KhKo&feature=em-subs_digest

YOUR MAN'S B*TCH!

I just read a post about what men actually want. Is it the food from the kitchen or the one from the bedroom? A lot of ladies believe that what you prepare for your man is what brings him running home early from work and drags him away from the Saturday night hang-out with the boys. But in agreement with the post I read, ladies don't ask what makes their men cheat.

Basically, every relationship has its selling point- the thing that keeps it going, the attractions and what keeps the green light beaming.  Most ladies shy away from discussing the intimate areas of their relationship....even to themselves, in their minds...lol. But truth be told, if you can't admit to yourself that your game in the bedroom isn't tight enough to keep your man tied to you, then you have a lot to learn. Sex is one of the most important, if not the most important aspect of a good relationship. If you just lean back all the time and let your man play the chauffeur.....he's bound to get tired and bored. He would remember a few exes who dared him....who had him DAZED after the "grinding session".....and trust me, you would be seen as a f*ucking boring old hag....excuse my French!

With pregnancy and kids and the hubby to cater to, you almost don't own your self anymore...but babe, you own your husband, your man, your boyfriend, your best-friend. Give him a little surprise every now and then....keep your body on-point, what would you do to get a man of your dreams? Ask yourself.....then apply the tactics. A dog will stray away from home only when home isn't home anymore....and when he needs the company of a bitch!

If you have to be a bad girl to keep a good man....babe, go all out! If your panties are as big as your pillow-cases, you need to "string" them down. If you have very nutty instincts, nothing stops you from expressing yourself.....in the bedroom of course and with that dude who alone you have to impress. There's a book titled "Why Men Marry/Love Bitches"....grab your copy and be the bitch in the house, most especially in the bedroom.....so your dawg don't gatta roam!

RUMOUR HAS IT!

Whenever i'm the first to give someone "secret" gist, I always start with "rumour has it"....have to play safe some times. A certain person who I see every week-day has been constituting a strange and questionable attitude that gets scary. When I say scary....like when he begins to be in the "strange" ways, you don't want to risk sitting close to him. He could bite! He hasn't been that violent or anything but....safety first!

Yesterday afternoon, in the middle of a group discussion, this certain somebody just walks in looking funny....first we guessed he was drunk coz of the look on his face...he had about two to three colours on his face, his eyes were reddish-brown, almost like he got caught in the middle of a transformation. A normal person would have said something to us, probably get pissed or something, but he just smiled....a very wide grin. Like this dude smiles so wide you would believe he has an elastic face....and the smile reveals no teeth...not a toothless smile, he just has the ability to smile that wide without letting his teeth show.

After much dragging and guessing, he spoke! And believe me, I have never heard a man or woman or even a child with the voice that came out of his vocal chords. I swear this guy has to be possessed. There's just no reason why he should have sounded like that, plus he wasn't even faking it. He spoke that way for about 15mins.....he didn't even think it was strange. The more we talked about him and his strange ways....strange voice, the wider his grin! Anyway...i'm not a rumour monger but already rumour has it that he is possessed....some people say he needs to be mentally reviewed and evaluated.

In other news.....I hear that some people really love office romance! As secret as they make it, people just know. How do you live with that? The people in question are mixed o....not mixed breed, relationship-status-mixed kinda mix...lol! One's married, the other is probably searching or not....the search probably yielded the discovery of a married lover. A sweet steal....is still a steal....awoof dey run bele! Another man's wife....another woman's husband....when yawa gas.......issokay!!!

PANIC

Last night I went to bed really early after being caught in the rain and catching cold too. I have something I believe the oyibo ma would have a name for…everything is a disorder or some sort of sickness these days. I wake up in the middle of the night and find it really hard to get back to sleep, and that I’m sure isn’t insomnia.

Very well into the night….maybe about 2am or 3am, I heard voices screaming, or were they wailing?! Seemed like a woman and a couple of kids because I heard the voices clearly enough to make out their ages. Hearing them wail, I just said to myself “oh dear, they must have lost someone”. I imagined that the person was probably ill for a few days or maybe the mother woke the kids up to pee and found one of them lifeless…..these thoughts just kept me awake and worried for these people. I decided to sit-up for a while and say a prayer for them only to hear DIE! DIE!!DIE!!!DIE……continuously. I began to think they were attacked by thieves and were lynching them or something, but on a second thought; if they were, people would have come out and why was it only the kids that were screaming out DIE?!

When I listened closely, I could hear the woman shouting seriously, words I couldn’t really make out, but she was seriously screaming. Then I remembered an experience a friend of mine shared the other day on Facebook. He was asleep at about 1am and was woken by the voice of a woman on the street at that hour…..she was screaming out for help and suddenly started shouting “GHOST O”!...the next thing, she went into a prayer session while dogs in the neighborhood howled. With this sort of thought in my head, I started praying o….I was alone in my house with a four year old boy….who would rescue the other if anything funny happened? At that point, my “damsel in distress” started screaming FIRE!!! FIIIIIIIIIRRRRREEEEE…..HOLY GHOST…….then the kids would reply…FIREEEEE!

If I didn’t have the fear of being in the dark, I probably would have gone over to their house. Goodness! I was almost in shock of all the wailing, screaming and chanting coming from them.

Whatever it is they were praying for I’m sure they would have it answered…except if this prayer warrior is the same woman I over-heard the other day harassing a certain young man and cursing him on how his manhood would wither…..lol!

DAME GEISHA!

At the office yesterday, I was having a lazy conversation with a colleague about make-up and how a lot of ladies get it wrong. The main topic was about Ibo women and how they kinda have the weirdest make-up, especially when it comes to powder (foundation) and shaving off their eye-brows. My colleague, whom we all refer to as Madam Mabel didn’t agree with me…she is Igala from Kogi State but she just thought I was dissing Ibo women. Why would I? My mother is a full blooded Ibo woman to the core….so this isn’t about hating on the Ibo sense of make-up…lol!

There was this time when my mum had one of their Ibo sisters meeting…The Diamond Sisters as they are called. She had all the gele and George and the high shoulder Ibo blouse that makes them look like weight lifters (actually looks good on them)….only Ibo women can pull that look flawlessly. Anyway…so she was all dressed-up and was sitting in front of her dressing mirror with all her “make-over” things. My mother practically used 7mins applying her foundation, concentrating on the cheeks (dunno why), she spends the next 3mins trying to even-out the foundation on her face in preparation for the grand finale….loose powder application. By the time mummy dearest was through…..hmmmm! I just said “Ibo women and their powder sha”. That’s a statement I always make whenever I come across Ibo women who just don’t joke with their powder.

I have a lot of Ibo aunts…my mum’s blood sisters, cousins and the other hundred sisters she has. If you know an Ibo man or woman very well, every Ibo person is their brother or sister! Back to the matter….I make my point clear to Madam Mabel and we laughed and got back to work. After I was through with my tatafo at her office, I return to my desk but got distracted by Fareeda. She is so far the best female photographer I know personally. She did a big job the past weekend and wanted me to see them. They were all very lovely….beautiful people made even awesomely perfectly beautiful by her professional touch. I thought so until I spotted Pato….Mummy Naija!!!

I then realized Fareeda hadn’t actually edited the pictures, or so I thought. “Babe, you have to seriously edit this particular picture o”! You would think she dipped her head into a bowl of raw egg yolk. And I was so sure Ibo women had a special thing for powder….this babe just killed it…..Ibo women have got nothing on Pato mehn! 

BIGGER THAN VICKY'S!

I remember when I was in the university, I had a lot of male buddies....it was safer to roll with the dudes than the ladies. they talk too much especially about stuff that purely ain't their business! Anyway, back then I got the privilege to understand a bit about guys. How they think and all that.

One evening, we took a walk to the SUG gate, just close to the female hostel; we got drinks and sat on the fence and scoped all the babes that passed. Goodness!!! Guys are intelligently silly though. A few really good looking girls either strolled past us, some came out of cars, some hopped bikes....others with scruffy hair-dos and shabby clothes too were there, but they still looked good.

In my opinion, these girls were physically almost flawless but my guys had everything wrong to say about them. And I wondered what exactly was their spec?!  When I asked what it was they were looking out for....they just said "these girls have secrets bigger that Vicky's"...lmao! That was just the best explanation for what they finally revealed to me. In their opinion, what you see isn't what it is. Guys go around sha...they just go around!

For every girl we saw, that I thought were almost flawless, they pointed out the secrets that were bigger than Vicky's. Some of them were living witnesses to the secrets while the others had enough to back-up their  facts....pictures....videos....recorded phone conversations....stuff like that! judging from the photos and videos I saw, most of the babes were like mannequins, they had to stuff a few places to make the clothes fit....had to tattoo their eye-brows (those who could afford it), some were like sunny side-up.....the brighter skin is what you see (coke and Fanta tinz!)

There's just a lot going on underneath that should be left alone. The more you see, the less you understand! Girls are at the top of their games when it comes to illusions...they change tactics every time they get discovered. You never know what's coming after the camel-hump!

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT!!!

There’s this certain somebody I know who has all the X-rated gossips and gists in the world. The most interesting part of it all is that they are all true stories….stories from her experiences.

X-rated gossips are so catchy you can’t help but listen or eaves–drop. I recall one time we had our usual gathering and of course, with her the gists can’t be decent. She talked about a particular time when she got caught in the act. She had a late night hang-out with a younger dude somewhere in town and he was dropping her off at home when she had an idea…lol! So they decided to have a ride in the car, just outside her apartment.

The going was good…a bit rough according to her, but worth the ride till they got interrupted. Just as she was “getting there”, she practically saw the light. The light is something we all believe people who are about to die see…only those who would make heaven see the light just before they die. Now, knowing she wouldn’t make heaven, at least not in that position….lmao, something had to be wrong. So she stared a bit harder at the light, it was moving up and down…she got a bit confused about the movement as she was moving in the same rhythm as the light. So she tapped bros on the back, talk about giving him a pat on the back for a good job….so far I guess!

She wasn’t seeing “the light”….our own naija men-in-black were on their night patrol and found the car in a suspicious rhythm, they decided to check it out and….THERE!!!! My certain somebody was already surrendering with both hands and legs before her rights were read out to her!

We’ve all had our days….not this exact way though. Ever been caught stealing from a pot of stew? Or taking a big bite from someone’s meat, or cake….sweet maybe!?